Your team needs the same thing as your toddler
Recently, I was told: “She’s faking it. If you respond to her every time she cries, you’re just going to spoil her.”
They were talking about how I was parenting my daughter. I didn’t take offense, but I did know better.
It’s an occupational hazard, I guess. Being trained in interpersonal neurobiology and translating it into how leaders can become more effective communicators means I’ve read the latest research on nervous system development and knew, almost a decade ago, how I wanted to parent.
What I know from the research is that babies don’t self-regulate alone. They actually don’t have the capacity to self soothe (the part of the brain responsible for that hasn’t developed yet). They need to borrow their parent’s calm to build their own resilience.
The idea that “if you keep responding to her, she’ll need you forever” is actually backward. The truth is: the more regulated she feels now (because I respond to her), the more self-reliant and independent she’ll become later in life.
It got me thinking about a workshop I ran recently…
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Stress is the Price of Entry
We were deep in a session on strategies for high performance during rapid growth for a scaling startup—big expectations, tight deadlines, constant pivots.
I looked around the room and saw interest, engagement and a healthy amount of skepticism through tired eyes.
---> And I get it, they’ve been through so many workshops, seminars and keynotes over the years. And yet, here they are, in yet another, while still navigating the same issues. So, why would this workshop move the needle for them? (PS I love the skeptics, they make the next part that much sweeter).
Anyway, I always want to help leaders understand the why and the corresponding science behind what they’re seeing in their people. (Plus, I love geeking out, so I shared some of my favorite research, clothed in their experience).
Ok, so you work at a fast-growing startup where stress is the price of entry...
You’ve heard about the benefits things like mindfulness and meditation (tools for self regulation). BUT, as leaders you need to know why those tools don’t always work to mitigate the stress your team is feeling. Here’s the reason:
The ability to self-regulate comes from whether or not you had a primary caregiver who helped you settle when you were small—by responding to your stress with calm, grounded attention. That’s called co-regulation.
The problem with most self regulation techniques and leadership trainings is that they assume people had primary caregivers who were great at co-regulating with them. And maybe some did. But others most definitely did not. (Reality is, you probably have no idea what kind of childhood each person on your team had).
As the leader, your job is to become someone who can step in and help them manage their stress, who can co-regulate with them.
Because for you to be the kind of leader who is known for: (1) getting the best out of your people when the stress and stakes are high, (2) helping them grow and reach their potential while moving fast, (3) leading a team that is known for high performance amidst uncertainty.
This is your responsibility.
This is the price of entry.
This is a non negotiable.
I paused.
The zoom room went quiet.
Brows furrowed.
Eyes widened.
It was like a wave of realization moved across the room.
Some leaders nodded slowly—like a puzzle piece had just snapped into place.
Others looked stunned.
The chat BLEW UP.
“Oh my gosh—this is bigger than I thought.”
“My past is showing up in my present.”
“If I didn’t get that support as a kid, maybe my team didn’t either.”
“How can I lead my team through stress if they’re stuck in survival mode? And what’s my role in that?”
They got it.
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Now back to my first story…
My toddler wasn’t “faking tears.”
She was feeling something big—and asking:
“When I’m overwhelmed, will you stay with me? Will you help me come back to calm?”
Your team? They’re asking the same question.
They may not say it out loud. And theirs may not be as obvious as a tantrum or a meltdown. They might hide it behind a spreadsheet or a snarky Slack message. But it’s the same nervous system wiring asking:
“Can I trust you to support me when I’m at my limit? Can I tell you that I have limits without losing your favor or respect?”
That’s the price of entry for leadership—especially in high-growth, high-stress, high-stakes environments.
These days, "co-regulation" is a trendy leadership term, but 15 years ago when BRAVE® was getting its start, it’s something no one talked about. It's the science behind The BRAVE Framework® and how it was designed to work for you.
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How to BRAVE® it—at home AND at work
Ok, so what does it look like to respond bravely in practice (to your team OR your toddler).
B – Be Present
Don’t rush to fix it. Anchor yourself so you can help to anchor them.
“I see you. I’ve got you.”
R – Rapport
Connect before you correct. Treat the bond as the priority.
“You really wanted that. That’s hard.”
A – Active Listening
Listen to the tone, body language and emotions, not just the words.
“You’re showing me how important this is to you.”
V – Vulnerability
You don’t have to be perfect. Just real. Having an emotion isn’t wrong, it’s human.
“I feel like that sometimes, too.”
E – Empathy
Get curious and meet them where they are—not where it’s convenient for you.
“You’re not wrong for feeling this. Will you tell me more?”
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This is the price of entry
Whether it’s your toddler or your fast-moving team, emotional co-regulation isn’t optional.
It’s what makes you the leader they can trust when the stakes are high and the stress is heavy.
Because my daughter wasn’t faking it. And neither is your team. But what they ARE doing is trusting you to rise to lead them through their storm.
Will you answer their call? Or ignore them and assume they'll figure it out on their own. Will you miss the opportunity to do the work that gets the REAL, sustainable results?
So, if you’re reading this and have both: a toddler and a team, congratulations! You win the jackpot.
Because you will get more practice and master this skill faster than anyone around you.
Did you expect your kid to be the reason you excel at work?
Or this email about “work” to be the reason you tweak how you’re able to show up for your kid(s) and be certain that you’re helping them thrive?
No? Well then...
You’re welcome. ☺️
Have a great weekend!
Elisabeth