Chaos culture and what to do about it
There’s a viral video I saw when I first became a mom that made me smile and think of the leaders I work with. And the power they hold.
It made me realize that with just a bit of awareness, how much more impactful we can be, how much more potential we can unlock, in all facets of life.
Maybe you’ve seen this video…
A toddler sits in his high chair, clearly frustrated.
Behind him, his mom starts dancing. Not frantically. Not desperately. Just playfully, rhythmically, grounded.
She becomes the calm. She becomes the beat.
And within seconds?
He shifts.
He smiles.
He starts dancing too.
That’s not magic. That’s co-regulation.
And that’s what the best leaders (and Moms 🙃🤌🏼) do.
And what I’m constantly talking about in our workshops, certification programs and implementation labs. State shifting at its finest.
But most leaders?
They haven’t cultivated the awareness.
They walk into meetings already frazzled. Already five minutes behind. Already telling the team how many fires they’re putting out, how slammed they are, how long they were up the night before.
And they think they’re being transparent. Honest. Even vulnerable.
But what they’re actually doing is dysregulating the entire room.
Because your team doesn’t just hear your words.
They absorb your energy, your nervous system.
When you’re flooded, they can’t focus.
When you’re chaotic, they can’t think clearly.
When you lead from stress, you clip the wings of their brilliance.
You actually make them: (1) need and rely on you more, (2) which bottlenecks things more and (3) slows everything down… why? because they lose the ability to soar on their own.
Here’s the brain science:
The moment your brain perceives threat—even secondhand stress—it reroutes energy away from your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for creativity, complex problem solving, and empathy).
Translation?
Your team’s performance drops NOT because they don’t care or aren’t capable.
But because your energy is making it biologically harder for them to do their job well.
This archetype is more prevalent than you think. You know someone like this, right? I thought so. I’ve trained leaders like this in BRAVE® programs. And this tendency is totally fixable!
One exec—brilliant, fast-moving, constantly under pressure—realized he was unintentionally creating chaos just by the way he entered the room.
After learning how to regulate himself, pause, and lead with presence, he told us:
“I can change the emotional temperature of an entire Zoom with just my tone and the look on my face. And when I did? My team’s performance doubled.”
After one session and some reflection, he stopped spiraling out loud. He stopped being the lightning bolt setting everything on fire.
He became the tuning fork, the lightening rod. He learned to absorb and transmute the stress into a more positive energy.
Not surprisingly, his team and the bottom line results he was able to create (and as a result, his board, not to mention the value of his shares), thanked him.
You might already have this skill!
If you’re a parent, you might do this with your kids without realizing it.
I do it for Montana daily. There is no mood we can’t shift with a little wiggle. She smiles. She softens. Every single time.
Our job as leaders, of teams of fast-moving high performers or fast-moving small kids, is to sense state and shift it as needed.
It makes me think that this is the micro version of where the saying “be the change” comes from. It’s so true.
So if you’re reading this, and you know a leader like this—maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your boss—forward this along. Because we all get stressed, but we can’t do better if no one brings the opportunity to our attention. Not as a critique, but as a loving reminder:
You are powerful.
You are contagious.
And you don’t have to earn your worth by proving how overwhelmed you are.
We know how much you give.
We appreciate how much you care.
We want to do phenomenal work.
But we follow where your energy leads.
Please be our lighting rod. Absorb and transmute stress for us on purpose.
Your awareness will drive our results.
And, if you want to learn how to shift a room without saying a word like the COO in the above story, reach out. It’s one of my favorite things to talk about
Here for you, bravely,
Elisabeth