Why Feedback Fails: It’s Not About You
When I was nine, I wanted to go to a sleepover…
I ran to my Dad, breathless with all the reasons I wanted to go—pizza, movies, friends, freedom.
He looked me dead in the eye and said,
“It’s not about you.”
I stood there, totally confused. Of course it was about me—I was the one who wanted to go. What is he talking about?
Then he said:
“If you want to get what you want, come to me with the reasons I’d want you to go.
You made this about you. You’ve got to make it about me.”
That was my first real lesson in communication.
And honestly? It’s one most of us still struggle with in every conversation we have—especially when we give feedback.
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Fast-forward: from childhood negotiations to boardroom conversations
We have a job to do, a team to lead, metrics to hit.
We think feedback is about our message.
Our frustration.
Our need to see change.
The numbers we need to make sure the team hits.
But the moment you make feedback about you—your standard, your tone, your emotion—you lose them.
They stop hearing you and start defending themselves.
And suddenly what could have been a moment of connection becomes a collision.
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But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Every leader I’ve (ever) met has good intentions.
You want to help.
You want to bring out someone’s best.
You want to challenge someone because you see the potential in them.
You don’t want to avoid this. You can’t.
You don’t want to hurt feelings, sound harsh, or have it backfire.
You want to live up to YOUR potential as well.
But without the right tools, feedback becomes a gamble: too soft and nothing changes, too blunt and trust cracks. And don’t even get me started on the sandwich method 🤦🏼♀️
That’s where science comes in. (ahem, where BRAVE comes in)
There is actual neuroscience behind what creates psychological safety—what makes people able to hear truth, process it, and grow from it.
Once you understand that, feedback stops being awkward.
It becomes the most powerful accelerant for growth, trust, and speed on your team.
You watch people come alive, take ownership and accountability, become overnight problem solvers.
But you have to take the first step.
As leaders always do.
Learn the secrets to delivering feedback that scales human potential.
Feedback that WORKS.
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So, I’d love to invite you to join me for BRAVE’s next live Masterclass:
Feedback that WORKS
November 20 • 12–1:30 PM ET
You’ll learn how to:
Say what needs to be said without losing connection
Build trust and accountability in the same sentence
Turn defensiveness into ownership and momentum
Use a simple, repeatable structure to build trust faster
Read and regulate the stress signals happening in the room
Stop memorizing scripts that collapse under pressure—and start communicating like a human
Turn every feedback moment into an act of leadership, not conflict
This isn’t about being “nice” or rationalizing how you said something because your intent was that “clear is kind.”
It actually isn’t about you, at all.
It isn’t about right and wrong.
It’s about being real—and having a reliable way to say what needs to be said so people can step into what they’re capable of.
Because, when feedback stops being about you, it starts transforming everything around you.
I can't wait to see you there! And don't come alone, bring a colleague.
Sharing this means multiplying success... and that's what leaders do.
Bravely,
Elisabeth
