How to suck less at conflict
Bringing our full human to work is messy. It means navigating imperfections, together. But that’s where the real work happens. That’s where thriving cultures are built, one conversation at a time. So, PSA: if it feels messy, that means you’re doing it right…
Repair > Rupture
After the initial rupture in conversation (that moment when something feels off, the trigger), the repair is what builds real safety. And I’ll tell you a secret: The number of ruptures doesn't matter as much as how skilled we become at repair.
That’s what turns silence into safety, for the long haul. So let’s become world class at repair, shall we?
Side note: when I say silence, I’m referring to cultures where you aren’t hearing much dissent or disagreement. Leaders sometimes mistake silence as a sign that people don’t have any issues, but silence is rarely a signal of success. Psychological safety is the true barometer of success. And that means no one hesitates to speak up or disagree. I talk about this a lot in my culture work with high growth companies. Taking their culture from silence to safety is effectively what I do. I digress…
So, if you’ve messed up in a conversation this week, GOOD.
Awareness is the win. Owning it is the win. Taking a step toward repair is the win. To be honest, I’d be more concerned if you told me that you got to Friday and haven’t had one misstep in conversation all week, truly.
How to repair
All that said, when you mess up, watch out for getting defensive and making excuses. We have such good intentions, but often fall into the ego trap of needing people to understand us, so we explain (and defend) our actions. But this just digs us deeper into the hole. So, instead, think about the steps of BRAVE®— Be Present, Rapport, Active listening, Vulnerability, Empathy— and try something like:
“What I said didn’t sit well with you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.” A simple acknowledgement. Ownership. Not needing to be right, or defending yourself. Rather, prioritizing Rapport.
And whether in that same moment or later on, “Can you tell me more about what I said that was offensive? My words, my tone, etc. I want to understand it so that I get it right next time… or at least, less wrong.” Curiosity. Empathy. And then Actively listening to their response so that you understand them better, NOT so that you can craft your reply or defend yourself.
THIS is BRAVE® in action.
The faster you sense vulnerability in others and can get to awareness without the shields of defense, the better. Bonus points if you can laugh at your adorably imperfect self along the way.
Two sides of repair
And if you’ve been on the receiving end of something that didn’t feel great? You can still be BRAVE.
Take a breath. Remember: it wasn’t about you. That knee-jerk feeling, that internal noise trying to protect you, isn’t always the truth. The real choice you have is, do you:
a) Personalize it, making it mean something about you. Making the other person an intentional jerk.
b) Name what was said, why it didn’t land well for you, and move forward.
Rapport means prioritizing the bond between you and choosing to use the situation to build trust. Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and simply acknowledging the facts without letting it unsettle you is also building Rapport. It’s about not choosing to personalize the interaction and make it about how they were trying to hurt you.
Because repair isn’t a one-way street.
“They made me feel” is a trap. And holds no water. It’s deflection. You have power in this, too. Take it. Don’t be the victim.
Choosing to acknowledge but not be derailed by it keeps you in the drivers seat of your mindset, your creativity, and your best self. That’s where we need you.
You don’t need others to show up perfectly.
You just need to be BRAVE®. No matter what your role in a hard conversation is.
Your next step:
What did you become aware of while reading this?
How can you use your new skills to repair a rupture this week?
Bravely,
Elisabeth
