Don’t judge a book by its cover
This week I was reading a book to my daughter. It was a story about horses—one of her favorites.
Page after page, we named the colors.
Black horse. Brown horse. White horse. Tan with a golden mane.
And I found myself saying something that I found myself wanting to share.
“They’re all horses,” I told her. “Even though they’re different colors, they’re the same kind of animal.”
She looked at me. So I kept going.
“Humans are like that, too. We have different color hair, different skin, different eyes. We all look different on the outside. And that’s a good thing. Imagine if we all looked the same? It would be boring. And it would be pretty hard to find your mama in a crowd.”
She giggled.
“But on the inside,” I said, “we’re the same. We’re all looking for connection. We’re all hoping to feel seen.”
And then I remember two of my teachers, Dan Siegel (neuropsychiatrist) and George Kohlrieser (hostage negotiator) saying nearly the same thing (years apart) in class:
Every relationship is actually just a search to recognize ourselves in another.
Not in a narcissistic way. Not in a myopic way. But in a bonding way. A familiarity-finding way.
We’re wired to search for similarity. We’re wired for resonance.
That’s how we feel safe. That’s how we feel close. That’s how we start to trust.
That’s the basis of our confidence, creativity, performance.
This is the foundation of high performing teams.
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This matters in every relationship.
It matters when you’re in disagreement with your partner.
It matters when you don’t understand your colleague.
It matters when you’re giving feedback to someone who sees the world differently.
Most of us go into conflict trying to prove how different we are. (And how we’re right).
But what if the real skill, the brave skill, is learning to search for sameness?
Sameness doesn’t mean “identical.”
It means: I see something in you that feels familiar in me.
A fear. A hope. A drive. A dream.
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Brave leaders learn to look beneath the surface.
Different hair.
Different skin.
Different upbringing.
Different generation.
Different politics.
Different religion.
Same search:
To be known. To belong. To contribute. To feel like we matter.
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So this week, try this:
Instead of arguing a point, ask yourself:
What part of me is showing up in them?
Then ask them a question that helps you both find it.
You might be surprised at what shifts.
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Let’s make this real.
Here are 3 ways to play with this idea:
1. With your partner or teammate → When tension rises, ask: What is this person protecting? Often, it’s the same thing you’re protecting in a different way.
2. With your team → Open your next meeting with this BRAVE question: Where in your life are you craving recognition? (Answer it yourself first.)
3. With yourself → Notice your judgments. Can you reframe them as curiosity? What’s familiar about what you see in them?
Because leadership, parenting, partnership - they’re all about the same thing:
Seeing the human inside the horse of a different color.
Your next conversation could change everything, if you’re BRAVE.
Elisabeth
