🛑 Before your next performance review, read this!
I shared this story inside the Feedback that WORKS masterclass I ran last month, and so many people found clarity (and comfort!) in it, so I wanted to share it with you…
A while back, I was working with a team inside a company that was growing like wildfire.
A leader came to me privately, frustrated and wanting answers.
She oversees a regional sales team responsible for $4 billion a year in revenue.
She was brilliant, driven, respected.
She told me she had a top rep who was suddenly missing numbers. By a lot.
And she couldn’t figure out why.
She’d done everything leadership books, trainings, and performance systems told her to do:
She stated the facts clearly.
She expressed her concern.
She reiterated expectations.
She tied behavior to outcomes.
She softened her tone.
She offered to help and told him all of her best practices.
She showed she cared.
She literally used all the “right” techniques.
Situation-Behavior-Impact. Radical Candor. Tough love.
She said all the “right” things.
And yet…
He shut down.
Nothing changed.
The whole quarter’s numbers were slipping.
She looked at me and said,
“…I feel like I’m failing. I don’t get it. I’m doing the things I’m supposed to do.”
Here’s what she didn’t say with words (but every great leader feels):
“What if I can’t fix this?”
“What if the team thinks I’m weak?”
“What if I’m the problem?”
There is a unique shame leaders carry when they can’t get through to someone.
Especially when the stakes are high or when you’re needing to move fast.
Especially when you’re the one people are supposed to look to for answers.
Especially when you care deeply and it isn’t working.
It’s quiet and invisible burden, but so heavy.
Here’s what I wish all leaders knew:
You can do everything “right”… and still get the wrong results, or no results.
Because the problem wasn’t what she said or how she said it.
It was what he heard.
His internal noise was louder than her clarity.
Fear. Shame. Pressure. Pride. Perfectionism.
All the stuff he’d never admit.
That’s what blocked the feedback.
Not the words. Not the tone.
Why? It’s because feedback doesn’t land at the level of the ears.
It lands at the level of the nervous system.
This is why most leadership strategies fail — not from lack of effort, certainly not from lack of caring, but from misunderstanding the root. What's beneath the surface driving it all.
When she stopped “delivering” feedback and started creating the conditions where his system was safe enough to hear her... in every conversation they had.
Something near miraculous happened:
Defensiveness dropped.
Trust rose.
Ownership activated.
He changed course.
And the numbers followed.
Not because she forced him.
Not because she fixed him.
Because she unlocked him.
That’s what true leaders do.
They don’t take more onto their shoulders, they learn the behavior and skills that empower others. They learn how (from a neurological perspective) to give their people agency, awaken accountability from within, not accountability that’s forced or even expected.
These skills are at the heart of leaders who feel proud, capable, and not super stressed all the time. Because their JOB is to help others navigate uncertainty, so they need the tools and skills to create that certainty within — in how they show up to each and every conversation.
These skills are exactly what I teach, step by step in BRAVE programs…
This is why I’m so passionate about what we’re doing here — because we are arming the leaders who care so much with the very unique tools, beliefs and deep embodied wisdom they need to make it all work, without running themselves into the ground.
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking:
“But I did everything right. Why didn’t this work?”
I see you. I am you. BRAVE was built for you.
Every leader needs a place to bring the hard conversations, the team member challenges, the frustrating responses, the “why don’t they get it” moments…
So, I’ve never done this before… but
I’m opening up our invite only Leaders Labs —- so before your next feedback conversation or performance review, if you want to come to a session where I go live and help you workshop whatever it is you’re navigating, email me elc@braveconversations.com I’ll send you a private invite.
I’ve never been so passionate about giving leaders like you a space to workshop the messiness behind your day to day.
What are these “labs” you ask?
Our labs are the place you can use when you need to step out of the lonely echo chamber of leadership, to get outside the box, to get around other thoughtful, intentional, transformational leaders who not only lift your vibe, but also elevate the tangible way you engage and lead. Plus, I get to coach you through your real life challenges.
Jo, one of our members, says “these labs to workshop current challenges were what I always needed but never knew where to find. It feels like group and Elisabeth and I genuinely attack life together — it’s gotten me through some really hard phases and it’s called me up to my highest expression. I’m a better leader now, for my team and for myself because of them.”
You give so much, you deserve to have an ecosystem of support pouring into you... so you never feel like you have to carry it all.
With you bravely,
Elisabeth
