A BRAVE seat at the table

It’s approaching Thanksgiving time in the US. A time when we gather around the table with loved ones and (hopefully) take some moments of reflection and find reasons to be grateful — for people, for environments, for situations, for the seemingly random things that have happened for us this year. If I’m being honest, it feels a lot like an Italian’s Sunday dinner 🍝… maybe that’s why I love it so much.

It’s also a time of year that is hard for many. I can attest to this being true for me more than once. Whether it’s a year when we’ve suffered a loss, because being around family can feel hard or simply because people find it hard to disagree with compassion or cultivate curiosity when it’s easier to judge a different perspective, it isn’t abnormal for people to be on edge. 😣

When people are having a hard time, they get short with us, they get frustrated or defensive faster, they shut down. Too often we act like their response is about us — it’s not. Too often, we don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes for them, so we get frustrated or defensive right back — we add fuel to the fire, we sink rather than rise above. Too often, we get lazy and don’t take the time to BRAVE ourselves first, so we miss precious opportunities to make a difference. And guess what, it not only impacts others, but it impacts our own wellbeing. How many elite athletes do you know who say, “I don’t need to practice this month, I’ll just go play the game.” Right, none. So why do you think you can get lazy with your leadership skills? 🤦🏼‍♀️ Autopilot doesn’t work. You know this.

Every moment at the table this holiday season (always) holds the potential to deepen connection—or widen a divide. And regardless of who you might like to blame for the potential challenge, YOU are in control of the outcome (yes, I’m calling you UP). YOU are in control of your responses and YOU have the potential to change everything, if you choose to use your BRAVE tools. So maybe this year, around the table you can be the role model… you don’t need more time. You just need to decide.
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More than words

If you’ve been following along for a while, you know it’s not just what you say, or even how you say it that matters. It’s how you respond. Beyond words, our facial expressions, body language, tone, even just our eyes can either make someone feel seen and safe—or dismissed and defensive.

They say trust takes years to build, and it can. But the truth is, in moments like this, trust can be built in seconds. To make someone feel seen and accepted, especially while they’re having a hard time or feel like an outsider takes mere seconds. This is likewise true at the boardroom table or around the zoom “table.” (And yes, the rest of that statement is still true, you can destroy that sense of trust in seconds as well).
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Here are some ways your responses shape relationships, in ways you likely aren’t even aware of:

• Your Face:

A single raised eyebrow or tightened jaw can send a message louder than words. Are you showing curiosity or judgment? Openness or frustration?

• Your Tone:

The way you say “I hear you” carries more weight than the words themselves. A calm, steady tone says, “I care.” A sharp or hurried one says, “I’m done with this.”

• Your Words:

Responses like “That’s ridiculous” or “You don’t understand” shut down trust. Instead, try, “That’s interesting—tell me more” or “Help me understand where you’re coming from.”

• Your Body Language:

Leaning in signals engagement. Crossed arms signal withdrawal. Even slight shifts can reinforce—or break—the connection.

[ Note: I’ll be teaching the nuances and science behind this (along with tips and much more) in my very 1st Masterclass that’s open to the public on December 5th! This is one of the most popular corporate classes that I teach for Simon Sinek’s Optimism Company! Want to join? ]

This Thanksgiving, your responses hold immense power. They can either defuse tension or ignite it. Build a bridge or burn it.

💭 Imagine this…

Someone at the table shares a vulnerable story or a strong opinion. Your response could make them feel validated—or make them wish they hadn’t spoken at all. Maybe this is easy to imagine at the dinner table with your crazy Uncle Larry, but too often at work, well-meaning leaders are so caught up in their own day and stressors that they let their responses to these very things - perspectives, stories that reveal a sense of vulnerability — slip. Do you think maybe you’ve inadvertently made someone wish they hadn’t spoken, simply because perhaps you were in a rush? 😬😣 Don’t worry, we all have.

I often find it useful to read these questions over morning coffee ☕️ and during hard seasons, before I engage. There’s a lot of science and nuance to this but these questions get to the heart of our bravery. We don’t always get it right, far from it. But starting with the intention to be proud of what we bring to interactions is more than half the battle — and it’s written all over our face and body language. When we do the work and don’t “skip practice” — we win more often.

Perhaps ask yourself these questions before you sit down to a meal this holiday:

Be present

Am I trying to fix their problem or empowering them to rise to the challenge?

Rapport

Is this coming from an intention to build trust with them or is my motive to prove my point?

Active listening

Am I listening to what they’re saying and to what they might be saying without words?

Vulnerability

Can I pay attention to moments that might feel vulnerable for others? And can I be open and transparent in those moments?

Empathy

Am I able to meet vulnerability, different perspectives or someone’s inner noise with curiosity rather than judgement?

When you pause to choose curiosity over criticism and compassion over control, you don’t just influence a moment—you shape the entire dynamic of the room. And that’s who leaders like us want to be, the ones who don’t wait for others to rise. We’re the ones who DECIDE to rise, and in turn lift up everyone in our midst. 🎈

Maybe YOUR response will be what someone at your table is grateful for this year… I bet it will. I believe in your bravery!

Grateful for you,

Elisabeth

P. S. Building trust doesn’t stop when the dishes are cleared this holiday. 🍽️ Take these tips to your team — in person, hybrid, remote, whatever. All of your responses carry just as much weight on Zoom as they do across the table. I’d love if you joined me for our Masterclass on this topic on December 5th. We’ll sharpen your communication skills for any room—virtual or in person. Join me. Bring colleagues, friends, family. 🎟️ The ticket price is rising after today so please don’t wait!​

P.P.S. I’m already grateful for you, but if you’d send this to someone who may benefit from it, I’d be even more honored! The more people in our world with BRAVE tools, the better our individual and collective world will be! 🌎 And if you received this from someone, join the party here!​

P.P.P.S. Here are some other useful hints, should they be helpful later next week:

• Stay away from asking “why?” questions. They sound like you’re questioning people which forces them to dig in and defend themselves and their positions, putting you on separate teams.

• Try to keep questions open ended, not yes or no. Invite people to share more detail, that’s where the nuance and connection points live. Remember, you’re looking for connection points, not rejection points. Better yet, ask people to tell you stories and then open your mind to the good, ie “will you tell me about a time when… “

• A pretty mainstream active listening technique is called “mirroring.” I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It simply says that if you repeat the last few words someone says with the intonation of a question at the end, it gives them the space and invitation to tell you more, ie “I’m having a ton of trouble with my team.” / “Trouble with your team…?” See how it opens the door as if you said tell me more… it’s non judgmental, doesn’t evoke defensiveness and positions you on the same team.

Let me know how it goes!